Releasing Control

The title sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? I’ve discussed ways of taking control of yourself, being in charge of what you do, yet there is more to the process of living happily. We have to learn to let go of the outcomes.

The holidays always seem to bring out the best in some and the worst in others. Peek in on any family gathering—and no, your family members aren’t the only ones putting the fun in dys-FUN-ctional. We all have our closeted skeletons.

Once I learned that I didn’t have to recreate the family traditions I grew up with, I was able to relax a little and actually enjoy Christmas. My mom went to extremes on decorating, baking, cooking meals, buying gifts, wrapping—trying to make everything “perfect.”  I do have fond memories, but I also know how tired and tense she was. My sister and I had to work even harder to make sure things went the way Mom expected.

Now, I see why Mom did what she did and why she tried to create these memorable holidays, but it doesn’t mean I have to follow in her footsteps. I try to be the best I can be for my family which means, I have to be happy with myself.

If I feel out of sorts, I look within to figure out why I’m not happy because no one else can MAKE me happy. When I recognize what is bugging me, I can determine what I will do about it—will I change my own behavior, recognize I am overthinking a situation and it’s not important, or talk it out with someone if another person is involved? 

Most of the time the “problem” is in my head. I am feeling guilty about something, regretting something, or resenting someone else’s behavior. All of these are symptoms of living in the past. I can’t change the past. What I can do is move forward and change my own behavior while recognizing I can’t force anyone else to change theirs.

Instead, I set boundaries and expectations—mostly for myself. I tell myself what I am and am not willing to compromise. I also tell myself that I have no need to get riled up when someone else chooses certain behaviors. I can let that person be an asshole without contributing or participating in any way. I have found myself becoming an observer in those instances, which is actually kind of fun. I participate where I enjoy myself and float through the conversations or actions that, in the past, would have caused issues or tensions. In this way, I am in control of me.

As for releasing outcomes, this has been an arduous task for me.  I used to prepare for gatherings with certain expectations. I would have the scenes in my head, thinking, “So-in-so will LOVE this gift!” or “They will be so surprised.”  I expected the setting to be perfect, food to be fantastic, people to be happy.

What I didn’t plan for was other people’s moods and behaviors. Yes, so-in-so loved the gift and she already had two others exactly like it. They were not surprised because someone else told them. Maybe everything was perfect, but I was exhausted and couldn’t enjoy myself.

I have learned to set my intentions and act on that instead of what I thought other people expected. We cannot possibly meet everyone’s expectations and generally our vision of their expectations are grossly overextended. And if someone does have exorbitant expectations, that is their problem, not mine. They can choose to enjoy my company and what I provide, or not. I offer what I can by way of entertainment and experiences. I would never go to someone and say, “This wasn’t good enough,” and no one I know (or want to be around) would ever say the same to me.

By just setting the intention of having a gathering and welcoming friends and/or family, we can release the outcome. We can’t make everyone have a good time and we stress ourselves out if we try. Instead, we release the need to control everyone and everything else and just let them be.

Remember that any gathering is about enjoying those you are with. The rest is subjective.