Releasing Control

The title sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? I’ve discussed ways of taking control of yourself, being in charge of what you do, yet there is more to the process of living happily. We have to learn to let go of the outcomes.

The holidays always seem to bring out the best in some and the worst in others. Peek in on any family gathering—and no, your family members aren’t the only ones putting the fun in dys-FUN-ctional. We all have our closeted skeletons.

Once I learned that I didn’t have to recreate the family traditions I grew up with, I was able to relax a little and actually enjoy Christmas. My mom went to extremes on decorating, baking, cooking meals, buying gifts, wrapping—trying to make everything “perfect.”  I do have fond memories, but I also know how tired and tense she was. My sister and I had to work even harder to make sure things went the way Mom expected.

Now, I see why Mom did what she did and why she tried to create these memorable holidays, but it doesn’t mean I have to follow in her footsteps. I try to be the best I can be for my family which means, I have to be happy with myself.

If I feel out of sorts, I look within to figure out why I’m not happy because no one else can MAKE me happy. When I recognize what is bugging me, I can determine what I will do about it—will I change my own behavior, recognize I am overthinking a situation and it’s not important, or talk it out with someone if another person is involved? 

Most of the time the “problem” is in my head. I am feeling guilty about something, regretting something, or resenting someone else’s behavior. All of these are symptoms of living in the past. I can’t change the past. What I can do is move forward and change my own behavior while recognizing I can’t force anyone else to change theirs.

Instead, I set boundaries and expectations—mostly for myself. I tell myself what I am and am not willing to compromise. I also tell myself that I have no need to get riled up when someone else chooses certain behaviors. I can let that person be an asshole without contributing or participating in any way. I have found myself becoming an observer in those instances, which is actually kind of fun. I participate where I enjoy myself and float through the conversations or actions that, in the past, would have caused issues or tensions. In this way, I am in control of me.

As for releasing outcomes, this has been an arduous task for me.  I used to prepare for gatherings with certain expectations. I would have the scenes in my head, thinking, “So-in-so will LOVE this gift!” or “They will be so surprised.”  I expected the setting to be perfect, food to be fantastic, people to be happy.

What I didn’t plan for was other people’s moods and behaviors. Yes, so-in-so loved the gift and she already had two others exactly like it. They were not surprised because someone else told them. Maybe everything was perfect, but I was exhausted and couldn’t enjoy myself.

I have learned to set my intentions and act on that instead of what I thought other people expected. We cannot possibly meet everyone’s expectations and generally our vision of their expectations are grossly overextended. And if someone does have exorbitant expectations, that is their problem, not mine. They can choose to enjoy my company and what I provide, or not. I offer what I can by way of entertainment and experiences. I would never go to someone and say, “This wasn’t good enough,” and no one I know (or want to be around) would ever say the same to me.

By just setting the intention of having a gathering and welcoming friends and/or family, we can release the outcome. We can’t make everyone have a good time and we stress ourselves out if we try. Instead, we release the need to control everyone and everything else and just let them be.

Remember that any gathering is about enjoying those you are with. The rest is subjective.

Historical facts and fiction

Thanksgiving is an American celebration when we honor the pilgrims who survived and settled on the east coast. We are told they were thankful for the great harvest, and the help of the Native Americans who helped them prepare for the coming winter months. That’s the story we are told.

“The First Thanksgiving” story is built around the 52 pilgrims that survived the trip on the Mayflower. About 80 Wampanoag tribe  members joined them for the three-day celebration. Thought the natives were wary as these were not the first settlers they met, they assisted the newcomers.

The Mayflower started out with 102 passengers and 30 crew members. The ship was about 100 feet long and 25 feet wide with three or four decks. The crew stayed above while passengers were restricted below. The space for the passengers was 20 x 80 feet (1,600 square feet) and the ceiling was 5 feet high.

They left Plymouth, England in September, were blown off course and landed in Cape Cod two months later.  A few of the men disembarked, leaving most on the boat while they explored the area and returned to navigate to Plymouth, Massachusetts where they ultimately settled.

In November 1620, the unprepared settlers faced a bitter winter and half of them died. During the following year, they successfully prepared for another winter and celebrated.

The facts, though, are somewhat murky. The actual landing spot of the Mayflower could be challenged as it wasn’t declared until 150 years after the fact. 

Thanksgiving started as a regional observation but it wasn’t until the mid 19th century that a magazine editor began a campaign nationally to proclaim a holiday.  The origin story was created, and in 1863, President Lincoln proclaimed the national holiday in an effort to unite the nation in the midst of the Civil War.

Originally set to be the last Thursday of November, Thanksgiving was shifted to the next-to-last Thursday of the month by Franklin D. Roosevelt in order to extend the shopping season before Christmas in hopes of helping the country recover from the depression.

Some states complied, others didn’t. By 1941, Congress ended the confusion declaring the fourth Thursday of November as Thanksgiving.

An interesting side note—some folks believe Thanksgiving has been the third Thursday for many years; others only remember it being the last Thursday. Is this another Mandela Effect?

When we consider the history of those before us, it’s important to recognize we are hearing the popular accounts frequently created decades, if not centuries, after the events.

Add government officials, magazine editors, story tellers, foreign languages, and wonky landmarks to the mix and an entire new narrative of convenience is created.

This has happened time and again in our distant and recent history, and it is happening today. Two versions of the same story, with two or more perspectives, can be documented, but the one that gets the most press is what people will believe.

The general population tends to want their news neat and tidy, in short sound bites. They won’t research, they won’t ask questions of the parts that sound off—hell, most won’t even listen well enough to hear the off-kilter parts. Asking questions and questioning authority has become too difficult. (Unless it’s an idiot that is fighting a police officer—the guilty will ask a lot of questions...but I digress.) 

Stories are nice. They are easy ways to remember a happy past. Whether people like the way we’ve gotten here or not, our current state of being is what we make it. How we live now is what is important. Get to know the history to avoid previous mistakes; be wary of those that try to alter your current perceptions; and most of all, follow your heart.

Let’s Quokka-bout Choices

My nephew sent out a family text with a strange photo containing the words, “Every decision in your life has led you to see this picture .” Though his photo was a disturbing AI rendering of a horse with human feet, I found the entire concept amusing and quite profound.

Considering everything you do, day to day, moment to moment, the movements and decisions you make have led you to this exact moment. And the next. And the next.

My sister’s dog was sleeping on the floor and suddenly got up, moved to his dog bed, and settled in again. I commented on his decision. We adjust our seating and locations for comfort and ease, but what changed in those seconds to make the dog decide that bed, as opposed to the carpet or another room, would be the best option in that moment?

We make choices everyday and have free will to do so. Whether we decide to play a video game a little longer, stay up 15 minutes later, or choose a healthy snack as opposed to the delicious goodie in the cabinet calling our name, we are always making decisions.

The choice to act on something or remain neutral, comment on someone’s post or stay out of the quagmire of social media discourse makes a difference in how we feel about others and ourselves.

So, then, why is it so hard for people to recognize consequences are the results of those choices that we freely made? Yeah, I’ll beat myself up later for eating that goodie in the cabinet, but it was good and no one forced it down my throat. Then again, I could recognize my choice, forgive myself, and recognize I can be decadent on occasion without the drama.

I saw an interview with Bette Midler, and she commented that in her early years of fame, she used to be rude to fans and tell them, “Get away from me!” She finally had a moment where a fan responded that he’d never watch her films again. She realized she should be nicer; her assistance said, “It’s about time you figured it out!”

Billy Bob Thornton commented that he enjoys his time with fans because he knows fans have paid his kids’ college tuition and keep a roof over his head. When handlers asked him why he spends so much time with fans, he said, “Why wouldn’t I?!” These celebrities have made conscious choices to be nice.

The recognition that we, as individuals, have choices is extremely empowering. Why re-act to people when you can be pro-active? Reactions mean you are waiting and allowing others to determine how you will choose to feel. For example, if you are driving down the road and someone tailgates, are you immediately going to be angry because the other driver is obviously pushy?  Being proactive, you can prepare yourself by recognizing, yes, there are aggressive drivers on the road, but to be a safe driver and drive defensively, you let the angry driver pass (without issuing any type of aggravating salute!).

Why does it matter? Are they behaving dangerously? Yes, but you don’t have to be part of it. You aren’t going to stop them or change their behavior while on the road. You will probably never see them again. It doesn’t matter. Let them go and you both live another day.

Being aware of our own behaviors, taking control, and making the best decisions that suit us moment by moment is how we better ourselves.

Even if we feel we are living in the darkest of times, we have the power to actually be the light that changes the world. From moment to moment, one person at a time can make a difference. Recognize and embrace your power. You’ll be amazed by the joy and serendipity that greet you because of your choices.

Steal now, pay later

 My father used to manage a drug store, and I learned a lot about customer service, merchandising, and more. One of my biggest lessons was to NEVER STEAL.  My parents once told me that if I was ever in trouble, I could call them.

However, if I got arrested for stealing, they said, they’d tell the police to put me under the jail, reminding me there is absolutely no excuse to ever steal. As I have observed situations through my life, I still believe they were right.

So you can imagine my cringe factor when I saw this video of a woman (warning: strong language) with a designer handbag, sitting in a nice car with a child’s car seat behind her as she shows off the loot she just stole from a store. Her food stamps were cut off, but the stuff she was stealing was not to fill her pantry for her kids. It was high end goods.

I have never had money to waste and when my kids were small, I did everything I could to economize. I never though about stuffed salmon, which this woman mentions. Pork ribs? Nope. We stuck to meat that could  make a hearty meal with hopefully leftovers. Most often, I used hamburger for spaghetti sauce or in other mixtures with pasta to make is stretch.

She also mentions that people should just take what they want because they have free will. She even refers to “imminent domain” and the right to take things. I’d quote her more precisely, but frankly, I don’t have the patience to sit through her ramblings again. I am exerting my free will and shutting off her verbal swill.

People often use corporate greed as an excuse to steal. “Companies can afford it,” they say. When a person steals from a chain store, they are hurting the local community—not the store. A chain will raise prices to cover ongoing loss, and they’ll close a store if there is no profit. As a result, workers lose jobs, the empty building looks bad in the neighborhood, real estate (whether a business or residential) will lose its value. In turn, the town may raise taxes to cover the loss from the business going away.

Crime-ridden areas become impossible to renovate and restore. It’s an uphill battle and investors won’t be drawn to support areas where they will lose money. Bank loans will be impossible to obtain by anyone wanting to open new business in the area. And why would they establish a business in an area that is known for looting and stealing?

Then there’s the potential punishment if a person is caught stealing. Why risk it? Fines, court costs, jail time, and more just outweigh any personal benefit from stealing.

Aside from the practical reasons for not stealing, there are less tangible but equally important reasons to shop honestly—morality. If an item is not yours, if you didn’t pay for it, don’t touch it. Period.  Respect things that belong to other people because it’s the right thing to do.

If someone went in this woman’s house and started going through her jewelry, her clothes, or her cabinets and just took what they wanted, I guarantee she’d have a hissy fit. Her stealing from a store is no different. We (should) have been taught as kids to respect other people’s property meaning, if you borrow something, take care if it like it is your own and return the item in the same condition.

Those of us that were taught, carry forth those rules to use school books, office supplies, library materials, and other objects we are allowed to use. Unfortunately, it is easy to recognize the people that were not taught the rules, or that just don’t care and think others will pay for the damage.

When the government runs out of ways to tax people to cover the cost of lost property taxes, the money to pay for the free stuff will disappear.

Yes, we have free will. And by using that free will wisely, we avoid creating our own problems down the road. She’s stealing now, but her actions will come around and get her later in a way she wasn’t expecting.

Inquiring Minds Expand

Understanding is a huge part of communication. We can talk to each other, but if we don’t understand each other, we can’t move forward in the conversation.

When I was about three years old, I recall being in a Sunday School class where we had just been told the story of Noah’s Ark. We were then given a cartoon drawing of Noah with a few animals on the ark. A giraffe had his head sticking out of the top, the elephant took up half the deck and a bird flew overhead.

At the same time, they handed out a cookie and juice for us to snack while we colored the picture.  I remember vividly looking at the picture, picking up my cookie and leaning back in my chair. As I took a bite, I thought, “ALL the animals? On THAT boat?”  Questions about the logistics of gathering animals ran through my mind.  Most animals ran from me. What would make a rabbit hop onto Noah’s craft?

Instantly, I realized we were told a story full of holes, and I wanted answers. Still, I knew better than to ask my teacher.

What I did learn was to observe and connect, ask questions, and gain understanding. While I wasn’t (I don’t think) a pest in classes, if I didn’t understand something through no fault of my own, I spoke up. Now, if my mind drifted and I wasn’t paying attention, I kept my mouth shut. Missed information was my fault and I’d figure it out later.

Over time, I realized someone wasn’t an authority just because they stood in front of class or were called by an official name. EVERYONE makes mistakes and NO ONE knows everything.

I sat on the front row in high school Algebra class and would catch my teacher’s mistakes. She thanked me when I whispered the right answers to her.  I learned from her, but she had her less stellar moments.

When I worked with a major insurance company evaluating medical bills, I quickly learned doctors were far from perfect.

“What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their medical school class?” The answer: “Doctor.” 

They spend a lot of time learning anatomy and chemistry, which is important. But some merely regurgitate what they are told while others are actually able to apply practices, observe, and develop their own command of the knowledge. I prefer doctors who listen and are willing to learn from their patients.

Personally, I like to understand where my actions fit in with the big picture. I remember being told to type up mailing labels for a newsletter. This was before computers—the labels had to be  created on a typewriter. I asked a few questions and observed the process.

I learned that the same list was used each month and when someone’s address changed, it was corrected at the bottom of the list.  Still it was re-typed each month.

I created an original, alphabetized list on paper. I then purchased labels that could be run through a copier. The list could be copied instead of retyped. When someone’s address changed, I typed it on another paper, cut it out and taped it over the original. Once or twice a year, the entire list could be re-typed, which made it much easier than typing every month.

If I had just done what I was told without understanding the entire process, I’d have had to retype that list each and every month.

When I worked as a news writer, I made sure I understood the story before I wrote it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t say the same about my counterparts at other papers.

Whether it makes my job easier, my life easier, or just improves my general knowledge, asking questions is important to me. Any time someone says, “I don’t know,” I either research or someone who does know.

We are inundated with false facts, news, partial stories, and information from people who don’t know what they are talking about. I sift through to figure out, what affects me directly, what I need to know, and research for the facts.

Always, ALWAYS question everything and make sure your own message is understood.

Nomophobia: No Mobile Phobia

In 2008, I made a major shift in my life, exploring topics, organizations, and interests that had always caught my attention passively, but I had done very little to purposefully engaged with. One of those topics was the paranormal.

I went to a small, local group meeting and met a woman that I instantly connected with. She was fascinating, with a strong will and interesting history. We became fast friends and progressed through a couple of paranormal investigation groups together.

Along the way, though, I noticed she always had her phone in hand. We would be having a serious conversation, but her eyes were constantly darting to her phone; She would talk to me and type at the same time, responding to messages. Then there was the frequent, mid-sentence, “Wait just a sec,” while she focused fully on her phone.

Cell phones had just advanced to the status of being mini-computers, and her obsession was troublesome. I gradually backed away from our visits, deciding I had more value than being a technical sidekick to her ever-growing self-absorption.

I grew up in a time where people came first. The phone was an accessory, a mere convenience for communication. We would leave the house and had no idea if anyone called or not. If someone needed us, they would call again.

Then we got answering machines. We’d get home and play the messages back, responding as appropriate.

When the phone rang, we answered politely and handed it off to whomever the caller was seeking. We didn’t interrupt each other if one was on the phone, but in a business situation, the live person standing as a customer was the priority. The person on the phone was asked to hold.

Today, people carry and interact with their phones out of boredom and habit. It is an extension of the body, as though a person can’t function without it. A person can be injured and bleeding, and passers-by will start recording instead of calling 911, looking up first aid tips, or putting down the phone to help.

At any event with spectators, all we can see are phones high in the air. How many people have actually gotten good photos at a concert? How often do they playback those hours of recordings?

Personally, I’d rather put away the phone and enjoy the experience. Memories and feelings are an important part of living. How much do you absorb in your surroundings when you are looking at a phone screen instead of the live action?

I’ve been blocked from seeing a child’s performance on stage because people are waiving phones over their head. The child wants to see their loved ones’ faces in the audience, not a bunch of camera lenses.

People tend to have a “fear of missing out.” (FOMO), so they engage with social media. When people “like” or engage with posts, the poster gets an adrenaline rush that is addictive. The incentives to interact with technology are very real.

However, I would like to suggest it is a self-fulfilling disappointment with a cycle of behavior that is detrimental to human interaction. The more people engage with technology in lieu of engaging with the human experience, the more they are extracted from actual living. When you don’t feel fulfilled with human interaction, the technology becomes a crutch, a pacifier, a replacement for human closeness. Users are literally looking for their next adrenaline fix while missing out on real relationships.

As technology progresses, we need to recognize its purpose and use it to enhance rather than consume our lives. Just a slight perception change from seeing your phone commanding you to awaken, to being a device that you set as an alarm can shift the view of dependency.

That little device is not a necessity. It’s a convenience. Family, friends, coworkers...people are the necessity. Where is the focus of your own FOMO?

Letting go of the chaos

People shake their heads and wonder what the world is coming to. Many wonder why things seem so chaotic and find it easy to get caught up in the turmoil they see on television, the news, the internet, and even in person.

Some want to jump into the mayhem, take a stand, prove their loyalty to whatever group, faction, belief, or cause-of-the-moment they follow. A few even change their doctrines more often than they change their underwear just to stay relevant.

Others want to avoid the melee, but worry about their personal safety, the end times, and sanity of the general population.

Personally, I’ve always advocated for the underdog, the ones without a voice, those taken for granted. At the same time, I have to understand the big picture: how does it all connect, what is at stake. I learned a long time ago to avoid jumping to conclusions and following the crowd just because everyone else is on the bandwagon.

Still, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. As an empath, I have to remind myself I am an observer. I don’t have to get emotionally involved. In fact, I shouldn’t. I don’t need that kind of chaos in my life, so I am not going to invite it in. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It means that I can stay level-headed.

I can thank Bill Murry for the mantra, “It just doesn’t matter.” It has danced in my head for decades since I watched the original release of “Meatballs,” where he had his first starring movie role. This whacky coming-of-age story told in a summer camp setting had its hilarity, but also a moment where Bill’s character as lead counselor gives a speech to campers and counselors about their upcoming competition with a rival camp.

In the speech, he tells everyone, just because the other camp is richer, with better athletes, equipment, and cuter boys, none of it matters. “It just doesn’t matter,” he chants, with everyone else joining in. 

More recently, Bashar, (an entity channeled by Daryl Anka, (I won’t go into it here, just citing the source. Go look him up.), stated, “No matter how chaotic it seems, it doesn’t matter what happens. It matters what you do with what happens.” I agree completely and have frequently said this or something similar to others. Your own behavior—actions and reactions—is more relevant to you than what anyone else does to you or around you.

In the late 1800s, Rudyard Kipling wrote, “If,” a poem which was published around 1910. (Some may recognize him quicker as the writer of “The Jungle Book.”). The poem speaks to maintaining calm during a multitude of trials and tribulations.

Crap happens. Continually. It happens in our personal lives, business lives, in our communities, our cities, states, and countries. Someone is always stirring up crap, starting crap, throwing crap, and just being crappy. Handling crap with dignity, respect for ourselves, and others is how we survive and come out sane.

Laughing at crap also helps. As I thought about “Meatballs,” I realized Bill Murray had a number of other movies with a similar theme—not the camp theme, silly. I mean the theme of recognizing what is important. Characters in many of his movies spent time discovering themselves or helping others discover themselves to ultimately find better harmony with the world.

If you need a break from the madness and time to reflect on what’s important, check one out one of these or find your own “comfort film” and turn off the outside noise for a while:

“St. Vincent”

“Groundhog Day”

“What about Bob?”

“Scrooged”

“Tootsie”

“Meatballs”

The Green-Eyed Monster

How often have you looked at someone else and thought, “They don’t know how easy they have it.”? We see the stereotypical soccer mom driving her Land Rover in the drive-thru at Starbucks; the muscular guy enhancing his well-toned abs at the gym; or the happy family going on a trip to Disney World. Some won’t think a thing, but there are those that see the stereotypes and get snarky or think, “Why do they have such a great life when mine is falling apart?”

Perhaps it is jealousy? Ouch!

Instantly, some readers start denying— “Noooo, I have nothing to be jealous of.” They get on the defensive and make excuses like, “Well, those people just think they are better than everyone else. They put on a show.”

I hate to break it to you, but it’s the green-eyed monster.

First of all, if you are thinking much at all about other people, how they look at you, how you look at them, and what everyone is thinking, you aren’t focused on yourself. Instead, you are looking for distractions to avoid dealing with your own issues.

When we are confident in ourselves and feel good about who we are, other people’s actions become irrelevant. In fact, we actually become more aware of being in service to others when we have nothing to hide and are not self-conscious.

I find it interesting that Shakespeare made “the green-eyed monster” famous through his writing, and some attribute Sappho, the Greek Poet, with referring to someone as “green with envy.” The color green is also associated with the heart chakra with is said to align with our emotions and deep feelings. Envy is all about feeling angry and wanting something we can’t or don’t have.

If we assume someone is rich with a great life without knowing them at all, there are feelings attached to that. Why do you care? What is it stirring up in you to make up assumptions about someone else’s life? Therein lies the envy, resentment, or regret—make your choice.

Perhaps you wish you had such a life, or regret not marrying some guy you met in high school because he’s rich now. Maybe you made choices in your life that have you in a position you are not happy with and you are reminded of that when you see someone who seems to be happier.

Find those reasons for the jealousy and reconcile them. Make changes if that is what you want, or realize that you made some good choices for your life and it is the way it is because in reality, that IS what you want.

If you are living a life you don’t want, what are you going to do to change it? If you are overweight and envy the guy with great abs, make a change—now! Or let the envy go and be happy you are who you are.

Everyone has different reasons and different circumstances that led them to who they are today. How are you shaping your life and circumstances? How are you recognizing the work you’ve done to be where you are? Or what are you doing to get to where you want to be?

On the flip side, those people who seem to have the perfect life? You don’t know their story. “Cute Soccer Mom,” may be a neighbor who is helping take care of someone’s kids because their dad is in the hospital and mom is working. Mr. Goodbody may have been Mr. Couch Potato six months ago. He’s not bragging—he’s proud of himself for being healthier. The family at Disney World may be there because they won a trip or the child was gifted the trip through the Make a Wish Foundation.

You never know what someone else is going through or what their story is. No one just magically gets a perfect life. Everyone has trials and tribulations. It’s how you handle those events that show your character. Be careful what you wish for. Instead of being mad about what you don’t have, recognize what you do have, including the power to make the life that is best for yourself.

Wednesday Wonderings: Anger Management 9/24/25

In the ‘50s and ‘60s, one of the biggest threats a mother could issue  to misbehaving children was, “Just wait until your father gets home!” That line alone could instill fear into the most incorrigible brat.  It was the last weapon in a mother’s arsenal and only used in severe situations. She was bringing out the “big guns” if she issued that ultimatum.

When the father came home, he’d be told the events of the day leading up to the mother’s exasperation, and then he’d handle the reins of punishment. Usually, dads had a way of being stern, letting you know they disapproved, issued appropriate punishment in a calm but forceful manner, and the child learned a lesson.

Yes, there were abusive parents, but in general we didn’t see anger get explosive. We learned how to moderate our emotions from our parents’ example.

Since then, society has generated a number of theories and proposed changes in how children are disciplined and how people should share more about their feelings. “Free love,” “openness and honesty,” “let it all out,” and other phrases have come into our vernacular. All of these are fine for an individual’s emotional expression, but they don’t address how one person letting it all out affects those that surround them.

People also do not understand where their anger comes from. They just express it and, too often, hold onto it. As a result, civil discourse has essentially gone down the toilet.

Anger comes from a number of sources and there’s no way I can cover them all here, but a few examples are:

· Insecurity– When someone feels ignorant, belittled, entitled, or “less than,” they will lash out.

· Retaliation– Don’t poke the bear, it pisses him off.

· Sadness– Anger is used as a defense mechanism to avoid feeling sad or showing grief.

· Fear– Anger is part of the “fight or flight” reaction. Challenge someone’s beliefs and they get angry.

     While anger is a healthy and normal response, we have to learn how to deal with it. Bottling it up leads to physical issues like high blood pressure, ulcers and other ailments. However, fighting, attacking, and even killing others is not acceptable.

Nowadays, too many people get ticked off and think it’s okay to go on a shooting spree. We never know when someone will go off the rails because they don’t like a t-shirt and think it’s okay to put a few bullet holes in it.

It is time that we take control of our feelings and OWN them.  When I get mad, I ask myself, “Why am I mad?” If it’s because of something someone said, I dig deeper. “Why did that make me angry?” Maybe I’m disappointed because their reaction was unexpected. Then I recognize, they are allowed to have their feelings and I don’t have to accept it as a personal assault.

My favorite response is stated by my inner voice—not aloud. When I recognize that someone has gotten angry needlessly because they are a total dumbass douchebag, I refuse to participate and think, “Bless their heart.” That’s southern for f-you and doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth. A reaction or reply isn’t necessary. Just smile and back away.

Someone else’s behavior is their choice. How you react is yours. Is their actions worth your energy and emotion or do you have something else that needs your attention more?

For more information check out this article and additional links available at the American Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

“When a man is wrong and won’t admit it, he always gets angry. ”

— Thomas Chandler Haliburton

“Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.”

— Benjamin Franklin

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”

— Isaac Isimov

Wednesday Wonderings: Compassionately Kind 9/17/25

In general, people are nice. At least, I choose to see the world having far more kind and benevolent beings than those jerks we occasionally encounter. Even people mean in the moment, may be usually nice, but are having a bad time.

I went through a stage in my early working days where I took everything personally and thought that if someone was angry around me, I must have done something wrong. After some assertiveness training and a great deal of personal experience, I quit believing that I was the center of the universe. I wasn’t conceited. I just felt responsible.

Once we realize that at any given moment, individuals have the choice to behave well or behave badly. We choose what we want to say. We are not forced and we always, always have options. I know that if I am pleasant and say “Hello,” to someone, it isn’t my fault if they snap back and say, “What do you want?!”  I didn’t cause it.

I have no need to take personal offence, and depending on who it is, I can ignore them, ask them, “Is something wrong?” or my favorite, “Who peed in your cornflakes?” Whatever response I choose, I carefully select it based on my relationship with the person, the situation, and what my goal is. Most importantly, I don’t take their response personally, nor do I accept responsibility for that person’s ill behavior.

With this knowledge in mind, I’d like to tread (carefully) on a topic that has people around the world tied in knots—Charlie Kirk. In the past few months, I had seen several of his clips appear in my social media feed. I didn’t like everything he said, but he didn’t ask me to. I had a choice. I listened to some of his statements and his interactions with young people. He made it clear he had his beliefs and he justified those beliefs with facts or with his knowledge of the Christian faith which was pretty extensive.

What intrigued me most was how he encouraged his audience members to do the same. He wasn’t mean, disparaging, or argumentative. He just asked for justification in their beliefs when they challenged him. He encouraged critical thinking and research. He asked individuals to understand what they believed in rather than to accept media and social statements as fact without the knowledge to back it up.

We used to live in a world where we could debate each other and discuss opposing beliefs in a knowledgeable and congenial way.

Now, people have gone nuts. They are publicly cheering public execution of famous and/or political figures because they disagree with that person’s statements. I saw a video where a woman was asking her two young daughters (approximately aged 8 and 10, “What’s the best thing that happened today?”

The girls cheerfully replied, “Charlie Kirk was killed.” She went on and asked what the next best thing could be, and the daughters started listing other people that should be executed because the figureheads disagree with their mother’s stance on issues. Why would a woman teach her children that  murder is a good thing?

People are taking everything personally, and as a result they are choosing to be angry, insulted, and feel entitled to revenge and justice. These behaviors do not work in a world where we need cooperation and civility.

I think most people would rather live in a society where they can share their beliefs without worrying about being murdered. We have to quit pointing fingers “at them,” and recognize our own culpability. If we call anyone out for having a difference of opinion, we are stifling free and creative thought processes.

If you have an opinion about something, be ready and open to hearing opposing viewpoints without judgement.

Anyone who automatically believes those pre-written  social media  posts without researching the origin and without fact-finding is proving Mark Twain correct. (See quotes in the photo).

It’s okay to disagree with people. It is NOT okay to wish anyone dead. Instead of letting these phrases become part of our vernacular, isn’t it time to help people realize such statements of hate are unacceptable?

We first need to listen to each other then choose appropriate responses that extend compassion and kindness. We don’t have to accept other people’s truths, but we can honor them and encourage them to think for themselves.

Animal Instinct

As I sat down in front of the classroom, I was going through materials, preparing my thoughts for the next portion of the lecture while the students were on a 10-minute break. I was immediately distracted by a medium-sized, short-haired dog. It had trotted in from the door in the back of the class, glanced at me, while walking up the aisle, and stopped at a seat that had been occupied by a student. The dog’s tongue was hanging out, slightly to the side, and he was wagging his tail excitedly. He bounced a little, walked back towards the door, and came back to the seat. He kept looking at me.

The dog wasn’t physically present, but he was definitely aware that I could communicate with him. I “tuned in” to chat, and was amused when I heard, “I found him; I found him! It’s been a long time, but I found him! He’s here!” The dog paced a few more times, eager for the man to return to his seat. As the student walked in the door, I saw the dog run to him, and walk along side with such excitement, sitting down when the student took his seat.

Then, the dog looked at me, “Tell him! Tell him I’m HERE!” I tried to draw my attention back to my papers knowing class needed to start in the next few minutes. I could see the dog out of the corner of my eye. He looked back and forth, from me to the student. “I can’t,” I thought. ‘How?” But I kept hearing a voice, not just from the dog, but from elsewhere, a guide or an angel, saying, “Yes, tell him.”

I tried to be casual. “Hey, do you have a dog?” I asked.

“Yeah, we got two,” said the student.

‘Have you ever had a dog that was about this big?” I motioned with my hands, “and black? Very hyper?”

“No, we don’t have a dog like that.” The guy looked puzzled.

“Not now, but ever. Like, maybe when you were a kid? Around 10 years old?” I saw a flash of an image of the guy as a young boy in the yard, playing with some other kids, and the dog was running through the yard towards him.

“Oh my gosh - YES!” the man confirmed. “I forgot about him. That dog hated everyone but me. I was the only one the dog liked, and he loved me. He followed me everywhere. How did you know?”

“Well, um, he’s here.” I said. The look of confusion on this poor student’s face was memorable. I continued, “I can do readings, and see things sometimes. The dog came running in …” I finished describing what I had seen. “He is so excited he found you and wants you to know he’s around.”

“Oh, Okayyyy.”

“I know, it’s woo-woo … but I was told to tell you.”

The student nodded.

“It is what it is,” I said. “But know that if you ever hear clicking noises on the floor in the kitchen while you are in bed at night, it’s the dog walking around. So don’t worry.”

Yeah, that went well.

Don't pray for me

“When a butterfly flutters its wings in one part of the world, it can eventually cause a hurricane in another.”

— Chaos Theory, Edward Norton Lorenz

Though the gesture and ceremony of prayer is well-intended, people must be careful with their words because they are so powerful in communicating to the source of creation.

Prayer is talking; meditation is listening. Too often we are so busy talking, we don’t hear the messages that are given to us. Sometimes we refuse to listen because it isn’t what we want to hear. In the depths of despair, when a person feels so isolated and alone, and asks, “Why me?” there is a response. A voice of comfort may quietly speak words : “You are not alone. You are loved.”  The presence is strong, yet a person engulfed in frustration, anger, and denial will proclaim the words heard in her mind to be untrue. Rather than listen and receive comfort and an answer to prayers, a person will choose denial of self-worth.

When people pray, they often ask for healing or a cure. “Please give that little boy a kidney so he can have his transplant,” they beg. And miraculously, the kidney arrives. But at what cost? Someone had to die. Yet, as long as the child in need gets his kidney, the people praying have no concern over the family that lost a loved one. That person is invisible to the prayerful. What if the kidney is rejected? Or perhaps the child receiving the kidney has additional issues, and really all he wants is to be free from his earthly confines.  Maybe his work in this realm is done and it is time for him to go, and on a spiritual level, he knows that. 

I heard a story about someone that was ready to pass on, yet his family kept getting people to pray for him.  He had three kidney transplants – each time, the kidney was rejected. Some people wait years for organ donations, but the power of prayer was evident for this person.  Yet, the person didn’t want to be saved. He was ready to go, and ultimately did.

People pray for what they think the solution to a problem is. Instead, they could pray for an outcome that is best for everyone concerned, and that the outcome be brought with grace and ease for everyone concerned.  It’s simple, profound, and unrestricted.

So wish me well, send light and love, and pray for the best outcome for all concerned. Just please, don’t tell God what you think is best for me.